Joined: May 2003 Gender: Female Posts: 141 Location: Atlanta, GA
Taking the blinders off « Thread Started on May 15, 2009, 8:50am »
The other day I was given three assignments to do for a week. The first assignment was to go to someone everyday and tell them something about myself. The next assignment was for me to write down three promises of God everyday. The third assignment was to write down things that needed to be forgiven. Now, writing down the promises of God has not been difficult and has actually been a blessing because the promises that would come to me daily are usually what I have been needing to carry me through that day. At first, I thought it was going to be easy to go to someone everyday and tell them something about myself and I started making mental notes about what I was going to say that were very general such as marital status, how many children I have, my education, my hobbies, my passion, etc. Then the bomb was dropped, the catch was that it had to be something of substance that I told. I had to write down what I said and what their response was. So if I did not get a response, then it does not count. I began to ponder what in the world could I possibly say that would be of substance to someone.
The first day that I disclosed, it was a little hard because I wondered what the reaction would be to what I disclosed. It actually led to me being asked questions. My immediate thought was that asking questions and having to answer them was not part of the deal. To my amazement, me being open and honest gave that person an opportunity to pour out about themselves. I blessed God for that. The second day, it took me three hours of conversation to finally be able to disclose what came to me to disclose. When I finally did, it was a weight that lifted off of my shoulders and I was asked two questions - had I dealt with it and have I been healed. It's like in the midst of all that I am doing, walking in obedience, God is working in the midst of it all.
The third question was the hardest pill for me to swallow. When I was asked to write down those things I felt needed forgiving, I said, " oh, I got three or four things. do you want me to tell you them now?" I was told no, write them down and be prepared to talk about it. I made five asterisks when I wrote down I disagreeignments so that I could put those things there. When I finally started writing down those things, what I thought was four or at the most five turned into 3 1/2 almost 4 pages of things. Some things just began to pour into my mind and out on paper. Things that were buried so deep that I didn't realize it still impacted me. Some things were unforgiveness of others and the rest was unforgiveness of myself. I didn't realize I had that much written until I went to close my notebook. As I flipped back through the pages, reality hit me that what I had written was stuff that could send me to hell. All of that unforgiveness that was within me.
Reality hit me at that moment that many times we think that we are living holy and righteous lives, but have yet to truly do a self-inventory within. I bless God for being merciful and I had to begin to repent for real and ask God to help me with unforgiveness. Many times, we hear the question asked, "if we were to die today or tomorrow, can we guarantee that we would go to heaven? if the answer is no, then come to the altar." Many times we look at the fact that we are saved and we are living a "Godly" life so we stay glued to our seats. The reality for me was that I would not have made it because of the condition of my heart.
I am at a season in my life now where I told the Lord, whatever the cost. I am learning how to surrender it all to Him that He may truly be Lord over my life. I bless God for having that assignment because it caused me to take the blinders off of my own eyes.
Above all else, stay humble, repent when necessary, apologize and be at peace. Give God the glory. Walk in praise. Let your life be your greatest sound of worship. Appreciate family. Say please and thank you. Prayer is really the most important thing. Pray.
Re: Taking the blinders off « Reply #2 on May 16, 2009, 11:22pm »
That was awesome. Its refreshing to know that even the best saints are still human. Im struggling with forgiving myself and was feeling guilty. Thanks for sharing. Now I know that just because Im not at 100% I'm still saved!!
Joined: May 2003 Gender: Female Posts: 141 Location: Atlanta, GA
Re: Taking the blinders off « Reply #3 on May 18, 2009, 3:57pm »
Now, I will be the first to tell you that this process has not been easy. There are layers of stuff that has to come off. The first step is being honest with yourself. See I am learning that as long as you continue to mask things even from yourself, the harder and longer your deliverance process. See there are so many people that walk around dressed well, with every hair on their head in place, yet they are broken and bare deep scars that they feel will never go away. You have to, I had to get to a place in my life where I was tired of feeling what I was feeling. One thing about it when you get fed up, you'll do something about it. See saying that you are tired of something is being passive about the situation. It's like saying yeah you don't like it, but you can tolerate it a little longer. When you are fed up then you will take action. You will take authority of the situation, you will be ready to declare and decree a thing. I had to get to that point. That is where I am. I got in a place where I didn't even know who I was. Who am I for real. When I stripped off all the masks and many faces, who am I?
Joined: May 2003 Gender: Female Posts: 141 Location: Atlanta, GA
Re: Taking the blinders off « Reply #4 on Dec 3, 2009, 2:02pm »
Since the last time that I posted, hell has been breaking lose all around me. I guess I should have realized that because when you are trying to be free and delivered from things that has had you bound for so many years, of course it is not going to come easy. How many know though, that anything worth having, you are going to have to fight for it. I hard a sermon preached when I was a teenager from the bible verse, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. From then until now, I had been holding on to the fact that my morning was going to come. Way down in my heart, I have been longing for the day that I can say that my morning has finally come. I had to get to a point where I realized that it was a process. I didn't get this way overnight so it was not going to change overnight.
Since I have posted last, I have separated from my husband, been attacked in my body physically and at times emotionally, and ready to put my son out of my house. I am at a place where I had to realize that I could either continue to live my life in default mode or I could choose to live my life on purpose. For years, I have always lived my life based on what others said or wanted and somewhere along the line, I lost myself and who I am in the midst. Then being in leadership and being under the microscope on top of that has been a doosy.(sp?)
Talk about church hurt on top of all of that...lol. When I separated from my husband, I did not tell anyone that I had separated except my Pastor and the elder. I decided not to share with anyone else because I did not feel obligated to tell anyone else. So many assumptions manifested as a result of the separation. The sideway glances, people cringing if I prayed and said something about marriage, individuals breaking their necks to see how I reacted when I walked in a room that he was already in, people constantly trying to read me and tell me how much of a good husband I have and should not allow other people to come between my marriage. There were times that I sat in church and would be praying to God for His strength that He would keep me. Times that I had to remind myself that I was not there for the people but to do a work for the Lord. Times that I felt inadequate, jacked up and depressed because I felt like it was in possible for me to be effective in the kingdom of God with all that I had going on in my life.
On top of that, I love my son, but he is making a conscious decision to disrespect my home by bringing drugs and a gun in my home. As much as I love him, I am ready for him to go on. I am praying for a job and for the opportunity to come for him to get his GED so that he can get himself financially established to move out. He is loving, but I cannot deal with that extracurricular activities.
My health has been affected by all that has been going on, especially with my blood pressure going out of control. I often say that I just need a place of refuge to go to get myself together and just focus on me. I also realized the importance of forgiveness and the toll unforgiveness and bitterness could have on your body. It can literally eat away at you like cancer.
In the midst of everything, I have been seeking the face of God like never before. I have been asking God to show me myself and those areas within me that need to be cleaned up or that He was not pleased with. See I know that I am not a person without faults and so I had to be honest with myself that I have issues and then had to be willing to address those issues as the Lord revealed them to me. One darkside that I realized that I had and it has been choking the life out of me slowly is the sexual abuse, molestation and rape that I have endured throughout my life. It has taken a tool on me more than I realized. It is easy for me to write those words, but to hear someone say those words in my presence or for me to verbalize those words is so difficult. That is an area that I am ready to be fully delivered in because it has held me back for way too long.
Stripping off the masks has been the most difficult because it has been my security for so long. It has been my way of coping and even in a sense, my way of protecting myself, but at some point, I had to realize that God is my ultimate protector and healer and that He is able to do far exceedingly above anything that I could ever ask or think.
Regardless of what I have to go through to reach my destiny, it is still at whatever the cost.
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Reality hit me at that moment that many times we think that we are living holy and righteous lives, but have yet to truly do a self-inventory within. I bless God for being merciful and I had to begin to repent for real and ask God to help me with unforgiveness. Many times, we hear the question asked, "if we were to die today or tomorrow, can we guarantee that we would go to heaven? if the answer is no, then come to the altar." Many times we look at the fact that we are saved and we are living a "Godly" life so we stay glued to our seats. The reality for me was that I would not have made it because of the condition of my heart.
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